50 Shades of Nope
We booked a room listed as family-friendly, for 3 people and were welcomed with exactly 2 of everythingโ2 forks (no spoons!), 2 tiny bowls, 2 chairs, 2 cups, 2 hopes, 2 dreams. It felt like we were intruding on a romantic getaway meant for a couple with small appetites.
The couch was a battered relic of better times and that was all before we discovered The Stain. Yes, that kind of stain.
There was no hand soap. Anywhere. We were just raw-dogging germs.
The listing also said paper towels would be provided. Adorable. Not only were there no paper towels, but when we asked, they casually informed us they โdonโt provide those anymore.โ
A corner of the bed had been chewedโand we are praying to every deity that it was by a pet. Judging by the 2 pieces of mysterious kibble in the freezer, we wouldnโt be surprised if it still lives there.
The kitchen provided us with dirty pans, and utensils that had clearly been used. Even the floor was specifically, a gritty, sandy, unclean one.
The bathroom door wouldnโt even latch. And the complimentary breakfast? Wasโฆ not.
Now, for the grand finale: on the last night, our toilet decided to re-enact Old Faithful. It gurgled, clogged, and completely surrendered. When we notified the front desk, we were handed a plunger that was so dysfunctional it probably belongs in a modern art exhibit. The toilet won. We accepted defeat.
And just to seal this unforgettable experience, the comforter had blood on it. Thatโs not a typo.